i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
