Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
