How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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