i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
