does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Randomize
