I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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