My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize