apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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