I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
