the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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