I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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