I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
