So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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