When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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