I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
