u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
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