a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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