New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
