I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
