I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
