Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
