so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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