i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
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