3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
