I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize