At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Come on in and take your pants off
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