Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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