Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Randomize
