right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
All I want is dick and wine.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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