It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
