During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
