Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
