I just saw a hot homeless man
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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