i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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