I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
