fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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