my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
