i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
