Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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