Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
