I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Randomize
