I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
