I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Randomize
