And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
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