Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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