you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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