Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
