worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
