i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
