have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
