Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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