winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
