i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
