Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Randomize
