you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Randomize
