im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
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