I just made out with a guy for $7.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
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